Self-Inflicted Broken Heart

Imagine meeting someone for the first time, and then being placed into a situation where you have to interact with them pretty much every day. You’ll often find you get to know them on a somewhat personal level, and a little connection starts to form.

You then realise that you are attracted to them, and that little connection manifests itself into a crush. The interactions start to become internally awkward as fuck as you try to figure out frantically how to back out without getting yourself hurt (because you have been in this very position many times before).

But he then says something kind and seemingly innocuous, and you helplessly get drawn back in straight away like a rip in the sea. You do not even know for sure if he is gay or straight, but you know he seems to like you – and for you that should be enough.

But then the overanalysing begins.

In your mind there are still so many unanswered questions about this new-found friendship that you begin to doubt yourself. You replay every conversation through your head, every word, every sentence, the tone that was used – anything that could help you decipher this mystery and give you the certainty that you crave.

Your mind says logically there is nothing there, but your heart says otherwise. And the emotions you are experiencing right now are so overpowering that they are drowning you. You cannot get this guy out of your head, no matter how much you distract yourself, how much you keep telling yourself “SNAP THE FUCK OUT OF IT!”

You eventually manage to resurface from the water for a little while, only to be dragged back in by a thought, by an interaction, and the internal nightmare commences all over again. Your mind ends up becoming an overheated CPU with no way to expel the heat, and a fog starts to set in as your brain moves into meltdown mode to compensate.

Your everyday life becomes a struggle, already trying to cope with the extra-sensory awareness of the outside world, while the internal war continues. You will know it will end soon, because it has always ended before, with you rising from the ashes again to move on with the rest of your life.

But in the meantime, I still have to deal with a self-inflicted broken heart. 

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2 comments

  1. Simon · 25 Days Ago

    The struggle is real. Must be so much more complicated for you when you find it difficult to read someone’s signals. I do hope you’ve had a chat to him to explore if there’s something there so you can try and stop your head spinning. If you ask him on a date, either way, it brings things to a close.

    • Patrick Mougin · 25 Days Ago

      Thank you so much for your kind words and your empathy. Unfortunately it’s not the type of situation where I can just ask him out, which makes it even more difficult.

      In saying that, I just recently spent some time interstate over the weekend for a fitness conference, and just being amongst my friends and other people like me who enjoy fitness – it was the reboot that my brain needed. The fog is no longer there and I’m able to now approach the relationship on a more even keel, which will make the next little while rather interesting 🙂

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